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The Fairy Princess has been notably absent from the world wide interweb for a few weeks – which in cyber space is a time as lengthy as it takes a child to grow. I was too sad  to write, but eventually, I did get to thinking that it’s time that I took a stand on a key issue plaguing our fair nation. There has been huge debate. It is time I stood up…

I’m just going to say it. Get ready….

I watch Honey Boo Boo.

The one, the only Honey Boo Boo

There, I said it. I know you are all supposing I laugh at “A Dolla Makes Me Holla” type comments, and I do –  but not for the reasons you might think. I laugh, because Alana has a rampant amount joy in her, and that Family loves one another and has a great time.

The Fairy Princess like happy families, and if they are happy families who do pageants and dumpster dives,  so be it. Maybe, having just lost my Dad, I am getting more pleasure than I would have thought possible at watching a Family who gets along. What fun to watch an Actually Real Housewife! I mean, who wouldn’t enjoy a Teen Mom who is not smacking around her Baby Daddy on MTV while trying to juggle a possible modeling career and defending her breast implants?

There are no breast implants on Honey Boo Boo…though, it IS only the first season.

Look at Glitzy ‘hoggin’ the middle of the photo

In HBB world,  Momma June sometimes rolls out a tarp and makes a mud pit at the end of it with a hose, so her kids can slip and slide in the crazy hotness of a Georgia summer.  I am a Mom now, and if my son came and asked me for a slippery slide, I would move heaven and earth to get him one – even if the earth was in my flowerbed and eventually became ooze that infiltrated every fiber of the Berber carpet. He wants mud, he gets mud.

I also love that Momma June Shannon is making Kris Jenner k-rap her pants with the thought that they may ‘out ratings‘ the giant K! (Kris Jenner would never make a mud pit in her Calabasas Castle of K, unless she thought throwing Kim and Kanye in it would result in K-illions of dollars.) Kris does not find Honey Boo Boo very K-lassy. Not having Kris Kommendation  keeps Honey Boo Boo up past kurfew….nah, her bedtime is probably at 8pm.

The Shannons have a crazy house, but no crazier than any other house I have been to in my world travels, so….if Alana wants to have a gay mini-pig named Glitzy who does pageants with her, well slap that piglet into a tiara and let’s go! (Alas Glitzy had to go, because there was a Grandbaby coming, farewell Glitzy, we hardly knew ye)

If what makes people uncomfortable about the show is that, as Alana says herself, they are fat, well…so what? As Christmas Eve from Avenue Q says, “People come in all shapes and sizes”.

Rod wants you to REGISTER!

I love that Momma June knows she’s a catch – she’s pretty sure that she’s going to clean up real nice as soon as she ‘slaps some paint on this ol’ barn’.  I wish I was as confident as Momma June. See that? We can learn confidence from a 307 lb mother of four, who lives with her Baby Daddy in rural Georgia. Truly, she has more energy than I, and definitely better math, because Extreme Couponing? Couldn’t do it. Not in a million years.

I love Big Ang too. Big Ang would never whack anyone, I know that in my heart. Even if she went to, her spray tan would make the weapon slippery and she would rather do shots at the Drunken Monkey anyway. No, Big Ang would not whack anyone, I know that in my heart. (Karen or Renee, I’m not so sure about)

I am hitting The Drunken Monkey next time I’m on Staten Island

I have heard quite a lot, lately, about what makes a Family. Apparently we are allowed to judge on major television networks and in sound bites. The Fairy Princess does not enjoy this part of the electoral process.

Judging should be isolated to Talent Shows and Olympic Events. Those are things where there can be a clear winner – did Ussain Bolt come in first? Why yes he did, so…HE WINS! End of story. Kelly Clarkson sang her face off,  while that guy with the curly hair…had curly hair. KELLY WINS! End of story. (I gave up on AI after the first season)

The Fairy Princess has a very low view of those who would render Families asunder, based on who the Parents love. It was not so long ago in our Country, that a marriage between members of different races was illegal. Which would have made a difference to me, cuz, well…

I’m around 1 in this, don’t hate, appreciate.

And of course, would have been a bit of an issue for this guy:

Cool even then…

Who then became THIS guy:

The President of the United States

My point, and I do have one, is that people are programmed to love, but as Rogers & Hammerstein told us in South Pacific, to hate you ‘Have to be carefully taught“.

Love is not a reality show, no matter how many times MTV, VH-1, or ABC try to make us think so.

No, I will NOT accept this rose! This rose is unacceptable!

Honey Boo Boo’s Family sometimes does Extreme Couponing and sometimes they do Pageants. S’all good – sometimes I sing show tunes and wear glittery dresses, and sometimes I scrub the toilet while yelling at my Husband about his aim, that is not the point. The point is that Honey Boo Boo is one kind of Family, and my Husband and Son and I are another. I would consider them both equal.

The Fairy Princess has read, but does not rule her life by a Book that had more Ghost Writers than a Tom Cruise Press Release. The Fairy Princess would not take kindly to stoning anyone. (Unless they were unkind to children or animals – but I would probably call Big Ang for referrals).

There can be inspiration without condemnation.

The Fairy Princess believes in Families, and in Love, and in Science – and they are all compatible beliefs. The Fairy Princess, overwhelmingly believes in the practice of  compassion and generosity of spirit – and that Families come in all shapes and sizes.  Saying that one kind of Family is ‘first’ and using it to lambast another kind of Family is to deny what is most important about the word “Family”, and that is Love.

The Fairy Princess asks, as you vote this November, to please remember  that no matter what ‘differences’ you may see or believe there are between us, we are not all that different when you get past the surface –

We all put our tiaras on, one cubic zirconia at a time, don’t we?

Here on The Broadway…we live life on an angleit’s rather bawdy but it’s also rather grand…

We Are What We Are

There was a time, that Broadway seemed to be a big community of people who loved what they did for a living, and loved who they worked with – whether or not it was in your own show, or someone you knew from a workshop long past. There were cabaret fundraisers that grew into something with bonnets and choirs that had inspiration and all sorts of things, because we had a common enemy with some pretty powerful initials.

Back in the day, when we spoke in civilized voices.… apparently those days are gone. Not only is the internet for Porn, it’s for blowing your career to smithereens in 140 characters or less.

Twitter has been a great thing for “The Broadway”, giving fans and friends alike a way in to the mind of performers who previously had been somewhat magical, mystical and on occasion, jellicle.  For example, lots of people on The Broadway like Chipotle

Audra McDonald tweets A LOT about Chipotle

Max Von Essen eat tweets

Erich Bergen has tw-yelled at me for tweeting about Chipotle because it made him have to go get Chipotle!

– who knew?

Anyway, This is a fun, insider-y thing to know, and I love those nuggets. I mean, burritos.

My point, and I do have one, is that now that every Tom, Harry, and Dick has a Wifi connection, Folks on The Broadway are time stepping into the Bad Side…woo..hoo…hooo

The Fairy Princess wants to remind you, it’s not about the chicken. You think so, but no, oh no…I know.

To be honest, if you want to clog your arteries on fast food, even Mayor Bloomberg limiting your drink size is not going to stop you – there are always refills. Go ahead, there’s a fine, fine line between diabetes and a waist made of pork rinds. Have at it – chow down!

But Careful the things you tweet, children will listen

Intolerance tilts my tiara. To me, there is very little difference between tweeting smack about a Sondheim show that you might have gone in for, but did not get…or showing up at a talk back on a Diversity issue to be condescending to the group involved and talk about your career in hopes that it will start moving again…. or  showing your support for a fast food restaurant that would deny civil liberties because of one line in Leviticus

OMG, OMG U GUYS, Bigotry tastes great with fries

…and here’s why:

It takes a village. (Yes, it’s a Hillary Clinton quote, and yes, I hope she runs in 2012, but it’s true)  A show – be it a play or a musical or a dance piece, be it deconstructed, avante garde, whatever – takes a village of people to put it together. Bit by bit.

And in our village, which is real and not actually mythical at all, and which resides upon streets numbering from 44th to 53rd or thereabouts and located between certain avenues, we have people. People who need people. We have Village People.

Oh look, it’s Ray Lee from the movie, The Mikado Project avail on DVD on Amazon

Quite a lot of the residents, myself included,  have come specifically to this village because they have magic to do.

Broadway gives you wings

When you work with people day in and day out you can not denigrate the way they live by defiantly supporting companies that espouse intolerance. Or by insulting their performances. Or by telling them that you know best, and that ‘they’ just don’t know how Broadway works but you do….it doesn’t make you smarter, more moral, or funnier –

It makes you the Village Idiot.

The Fairy Princess would like to set forth some command… er…recommendations for The Broadway for The Twittah, so that for the love of Bernadette Peters  we can all cool our Jets…. are gonna have their way…tonight….(Sorry, I can’t help it)

Thou shalt not Tweet Previews

Honor thy Crew and Ensemble

Do not take the issue of Diversity & Representation in vain

Thou shalt think before thy Tweet

If thou Tweets it, thou means it

Look, we all WORK together. It’s not “show friendship’, it’s “Show Business” – it is a business. As in ANY business, you are honor bound to show the people you work with courtesy and respect. Before you tweet, perhaps ask yourself WWJD?

What Would Judy Do?

I’m pretty sure she would say that enough people in life try to knock you down, you don’t need your colleagues to pitch (fork) in and help. Well, I mean, she would probably say something like that after we explained the Internet and Twitter and that kind of thing – she seemed like a cool, hip lady, so I stand by what I wrote. Because I can.

Va Fangool- she tweeted wha?

If you are Tweeting as a Theater Professional, who has fans, then your tweets are part of your work. If you are lucky enough to be in a show, in a lead role particularly, and you use that role to identify yourself so people can ‘follow’ you, then you have a obligation to your Producers and Cast to NOT embroil the name of the show in your own personal sh*t storm.

You don’t throw your show under the tour bus to support an agenda that seems at odds with the way you live. If you really believed that certain people do not deserve to have equal rights, then why, oh why, oh why would you try and work in Musical Theater?

It’s like knowing you cannot swim and going diving with Greg Louganis!

On Elton John’s boat!

Anchored off the French Riviera!

During a theater festival – A Festival? A Festival! (And you know how much we all wish to go to the festival)!

The Fairy Princess does not ‘buy’ half-assed apologies from someone who got their hands slapped and now realize they may have jeopardized their future putting up a photo or a status that they, personally, thought was funny.

Oh Bless the Lord My Soul….

The Fairy Princess has a very hard time believing that any theater professional could, insult other professionals during previews, without knowing exactly what they were saying.

If your smart, you’ll learn your lessons well…

The Fairy Princess fails to see how driving down from Los Angeles to La Jolla so that you can try and make a personal connection with the creators of Mythic China simply to talk about your own career helps your “Asian brothers and sisters’ who you, ostensibly support, while at the same time you call into question their understanding of how Broadway works.

I have credit cards, but I just don’t buy it.

When it’s time to change you gotta rearrange, who you are and what you’re gonna be

You do not have to  be kind to everyone, you do not have to like everyone. If you grant yourself the ‘right’ to say something, you grant others the right to remember that you said it.

And if you said it, you better mean it – there are no ‘backsies’ – this is the Internet, everything stays on forever, it’s like reruns of The Golden Girls.

This is BROADWAY, it’s not a reality show where everything begins with the letter K! What in the name of our Sainted Aunt Eller is going on, Folks? All I keep thinking is Holy crap, what a shame….

Yes,  You can believe whatever you want, and I defend your right to believe it. (Unless it hurts kids or animals, I don’t put up with that) This is America, and even if I do not like what you say, you have a right to say it. Be as phobic as you want to be, if you have nothing better to do. It is within your rights to be as gawd awful as you want to be –  but people have a right to go to work and not feel betrayed. Keep it polite.

One final thing that I ask us all to keep in mind – there is a very old saying….almost older than the oldest profession and it goes like this:

Don’t sh*t where you eat

Because once you Tweet it….

There are a lot of show biz questions running around –

Does it really improve your career if you throw in with the scary people who live in the ‘Centers’?

Don’t act like you don’t know who lives there – mwahahahahaha

Are we ever going to find out who a certain couch jumper likes to sleep with?

 I hear she doesn’t need the money….

…what’s it like to have access to more money than the Catholic Church?

Turning the G in Scientology to “Gee, I don’t THINK so…”

…hmm, thus far my examples are all relying on the knowledge of Katie Holmes….(I must go out and buy a mini-Burberry raincoat for my niece and say 5 Hail Mary, Kiki Kiki’s immediately!)

Here is something I get asked a lot, so here it goes…

Many people wonder if there is a Gay Mafia….

When in doubt, ask Madonna

 

Sometimes it’s called the Pink Mafia, or Lavender, sometimes the Velvet Mafia, but it all means the same thing – and the answer is yes.

 

 

Now, WHO’S EXCITED?

 

 

Am I going to tell you who is in it? No. You can pretty much guess…

 

Now, do they look scary? Don’t wrap yourself in cheap chicken sandwiches, what is cuter than this Family?

 

oh – NO ONE who appeared on, or who will ever appear in “THE A LIST” is in the Velvet Mafia! That show is stupid.

Velvet Mafia” is a term we refer to in “The Hollywoodland” – the cabal of Writers, Agents, Producers, Casting directors,  PR folks, Studio Heads, and…they’re Gay. (So if all you want to do is protest them and eat bad chicken sandwiches, turn off your televisions, don’t go to the movies, and stop reading) Instead of dealing in high priced items that fell off the back of a truck, they are working on corralling talent, making motion pictures or television shows, and having scads of absolutely fabulous parties where scandalous things occur.

 

Turn that thing off, you want us to get arrested?

 

Allegedly.

 

 

Sometimes with themes.

 

My Cousin, Aussie Photographer William Yang took this one

 

There is even a Jr. Velvet Mafia that is all the up and comers who will eventually be the power brokers of the future. We call them Assistants. Don’t EVER be rude to an Assistant or they will hand you YOUR ass with their next promotion, cuz you KNOW who was an Assistant once?

 

 

EVERYONE!

How do I know this?

My hair is so big because that is where I hide all my SECRETS!

 

I have been to those parties and I am not saying a word. (OMG so fabulous, you’d DIE, oh crap, shhhhh)

Actually, you could follow fellow Fairy Princess, @MsLisaChang on Twitter and you would get the idea.

The best thing for you to know about the Gay Mafia – and the subdivisions – the Power Lesbians, the Politicos, the Cleaners – is that it does exist Virginia, and if I told you more about it they would have to kill me. Or at least rescind my invitations, which would be the same thing. Social death is equally painful.

 

 

There can be Gay Mafia in any industry and in any city – it’s just a bunch of folks who socialize and share information about the business they are in. And then take it over. To make it better…. and at some point it’s handed to a Lesbian with a Clipboard and it’s totally and completely way more efficient. 🙂

They are not out to rip children from the bosoms of their Parents, they are not out to ‘turn’ anyone, or corrupt antiquated ideals of marriage – it’s just business. They are businessmen.

 

 

Fairy Princesses are the Consigliari’s of the Gay World. Got it? No, don’t nod. Just…you got it?

 

Kylie, Kylie, Kylie – Oi, Oi, Oi!

 

Ok, good. Now shut up…..Or you will wind up with a Unicorn’s ass in your bed.

 

 

Remember – WE NEVER HAD THIS CONVERSATION….CAPICHE?

What has been on my mind lately is fables. The truly wonderful thing about fables is that they are designed to teach a moral lesson, such as ‘wear red in the woods so hunters don’t shoot you and stay away from pedophiles, little girls’ or ‘lock your doors because some kid that gets high too frequently is going to break into your house and eat your exceptionally filling but essentially bland carbohydrates that are cooling on the table’ or ‘just because someone sleeps with you, doesn’t mean they really like you.’ OK, that last one was from a show I did,

but…puppets are mythical creatures, and that’s a moral lesson too, of sorts. Ask Nene Leakes.

So now I would like to write a fable of my own – I am going to start it with “Once Upon A Time…” because that is where all good stories start, and I am going to set it in the mythical land of…oh, what the heck, Ja Lolla, why Ja Lolla? Because it’s mythical, it does not exist. Ja Lolla is a made up place that you may be able to see yourself in, unless you are an actor who ‘is not appropriate’. Those actors exist, it’s just that sometimes, Children, people like movements instead of authenticity.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there was a kingdom called Ja Lolla. Ja Lolla was a beautiful place, right by the sea. Ja Lolla was known for many things – it had a large population of seals and surfers,

which is why this is a fable- as any good surfer knows you should not get in the water with seals, as they tend to be a staple food item for Great White Sharks

Only idiots swim with seals, this has been your public service announcement for the day

but Ja Lolla was blessed in this way, the Great Whites had all turned vegan, that’s how magical a place it was, and in this,

the early mythic second thousandth of a year that is yet unnamed, as the rising gasoline prices made the cost of buying fresh fish astronomical and a vegan diet, wait, …I digress. I apologize. Back to our fable.

What else was Ja Lolla known for, children? Dare you ask? Why, music! Yes, Ja Lolla was known for taking adults who never got enough attention as children, and giving them new songs to sing, new dances to dance, and after they put it in the magical music shop and worked on it, these songs and dances entertained people. (Except for Micah McCain, who DOES exist, he just walks out at intermission at everything!)

One day the King of Ja Lolla wanted a new show, so he called his Master of the Stable

er…Fable to get him a show about a king, but it was not to be about him….it was to be about a ‘mythical’ King and it was to be about a bird

That is Florence Nightingale! C’mon!

I said, A BIRD….a bird who sings…Great, now make her ‘mythic’….

I totally need my next headshot done ‘mythic’

And then the King went off to get a latte and relax before his laser facial, well…that’s what they do in Ja Lolla.

The Master of the Fable called upon three of this BEST PEOPLE

and they began creating. When they were done, they had a beautiful show based on someone else’s story, but that someone else was a very pesky person, because he wanted his story set in a real place that he had never visited. (That, my Children, is called imagination.) Now the BEST PEOPLE had not been there either – they had seen photos and met people who had ancestors from there, but…the people whose ancestors were ‘from there’  were inappropriate.

After all, these were very important Best People and no one ever, and I mean never, ever, ever, never in a million years ever, told them what to do. And if they wanted to set a show ‘from there‘ and they didn’t like the look of the people ‘from there’,

why,they did not have to have those people! “Those People” were INAPPROPRIATE, and no one could tell THEM what to do! And no one did. Because no one cared. Because, Children, everyone did that all the time. And, they kept saying it really wasn’t about being ‘from there’ because they were basing it on a movement that was about vases and rugs and not about people at all. Which was confusing, but made sense if you lived at any point in your life, in Titipu

But there was one little bird who wanted to see this show, and this little bird had ancestors from ‘there’, (In Ja Lolla, birds can read and surf the mythical internet and mynas are talking birds anyway). She was very excited about it, because she liked that it was going to be new, and it might have other birds in it that looked like her – after all it was a show about a bird who lived ‘there‘, but then she read that birds with ancestors from ‘there‘ were inappropriate.

She wondered why, oh why, oh why-o, why did they ever leave..I mean, she wondered ‘Why’, this little myna bird – ‘why did those BEST PEOPLE think that she and her fellow singing birds were ‘inappropriate‘? Because they put the show in a real place, not in a land far, far away. After all, she knew that in a land far, far away there were rainbows. This little myna bird loved rainbows, the myna looked for rainbows everywhere because rainbows are beautiful, who doesn’t love a rainbow?

So the myna bird started singing. She sang to other myna birds, and then they started singing, and pretty soon, over 18,000 people heard the song of the myna. Not only was the song heard, but other people wrote songs based on the first song. (The myna finds this very flattering and thanks those birds). The singing grew so loud, that the Master of the Fable heard it, and he had to answer it with a song of his own.

Now, all the Mynas appreciated the Master of the Fable’s song, but they really wanted to hear from the BEST PEOPLE, because they wanted to know why did they not move the setting of the story to a real mythical place, not the place that was real that they decided was mythic, but a real mythic place – like…a land far, far away? They also wanted to know why they were “inappropriate’.

And as the Master of the Fable had scheduled a concert where he could sing to the mynas and they could sing back, the mynas all hoped that the BEST PEOPLE would sing with them.

But the BEST PEOPLE said no. They were writing another show about another Emperor who had nothing to wear, and they were going to play all the parts themselves, they were busy. We will never know why the BEST PEOPLE would not attend the concert. Some thought that the BEST PEOPLE were afraid, but the myna did not think so. The myna felt that the BEST PEOPLE, were nudists – and nudists do not care if they are naked. So be it.

But the moral of the story is, even if you do not get exactly what you want, you keep singing, because you never know…maybe 18,000 will hear you!

Also…if Nudists run around in front of you, you are more likely to note who amongst them are eunuchs. And fyi, you would have found Eunuchs in China…feudal, totally real, non-mythic China.

xxxxx

This post is dedicated to my Father, a brilliant lawyer, Family man, and one hell of an Irishman. He always said I was really a writer, he was the best Daddy around. He passed recently.  I had the good fortune to be at his side. He knew about this blog. He spent his entire career going up against the BEST PEOPLE and winning. He always knew when the Emperor was naked, and he never backed down from telling him.

The One and Only, Himself

R.I.P. Daddy and Thank You for Everything

These Boots Were Made for Drag Queens

(a)   Oh sure, you think Tyra and all the Vicky Secret Brazillians just woke up walking fiercely? No, Girl, they walk so strong because they learned from Drag Queens. So many women do not take the time to learn how to walk in heels, and they klump and frump along looking like a raccoon in roller skates. Tragic. You don’t just glide along in heels on the day you turn 13 and sing “How Lovely To Be A Woman”, it takes WORK, and practice!

(b)  Draw a straight line on the floor, don’t look down, now slowly start walking in your heels. DO NOT LOOK DOWN! If you can get a dance studio to practice in, so you can walk towards the mirror and see yourself placing your feet without looking down, that is best.

Place one foot in front of the other so that you are putting the descending foot on the OPPOSITE side of the line from where it started. Now repeat. Now, do it a bit faster and make your stride longer. Then add the ‘stomp’ of the attitude – and THAT, my Darling, is how you start to walk in heels with power.

Think Posture, Rhythm & Timing, Attitude, just like they teach at Ford Modeling Agency.

You may want to start in lower heeled shoes, and then in THOSE shoes – If you can place a mirror at the end of the line, to help you figure out where/how to look, that would be good too. And play music.

Throwing Shade

The best defense, in my experience,  is a sense of humor – and no one has a quicker comeback than a man in a dress and a 4 foot wig. If you ever want to catch an example of throwing shade, turn on any reality show with judges and watch the commentary, or do what I do –  go to Gay Bingo, and see what they come up with, it’s usually hilarious.

The secret to ‘shade’ is to be smarter, faster, funnier – get to the ‘pain’ of the insult as quickly as you can – not unlike when you bake a cake and you put a knife into the center to see if it’s done? If the knife comes out clean, no batter on it, cake is ready – shade is the same, you don’t want crumbs when you pull out. (That is true for so MANY things in life, N’cest Pas?)

Hey Girl!

Everything is better with fake eyelashes,

Elphaba gives good lash – just kidding…kinda

but not everyone puts them on correctly. Which is why they fall off halfway through the night leaving you looking like your Gays turned on you before you picked your Red Carpet outfit.

She said her toddler chose it, and by ‘toddler’ she meant “Twink who picks up my laundry for his showbiz internship’

(We always say that, when we see a bad RC…Her Gays Turned on Her!)

Tilda is wearing “The Snow Queen Cometh’ inspired by her Dynasty loving Gays who lied and told her Joan Collins is still a trendsetter, and Rose “Bridesmaids’ Byrne is a bit ‘Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Oy VEY” when she was told everyone was coming as their favorite Studio 54 flashback

Pick up the lash carefully and place a very thin line of eyelash glue on it, THIN Girl – if it’s too think, it’s going to move around. Now, after you put the glue on, you have to WAIT – don’t try and stick that on right away, it will run like a Republican caught in a men’s room with a glory hole while the press is outside.

The longer the lash, the closer to DIVA!

One trick is to put on your eye shadow FIRST, and then glue the lashes OVER it, that usually gives the glue enough time to get tacky without getting rubbery. You have to leave a small, non eye makeup lash sized line where the lash goes, in order to get the glue to stick to the lid if you put the eyeshadow on first.

These look like lashes that would go with Cher’s Half-Breed Ensemble

Why wait till the rest of your eye makeup is on? You don’t want your lashes to look ‘dusty’, leave enough room for the lash to be applied, put on your eye makeup, and THEN apply lashes – DUSTY LASHES ARE BUSTED, GIRL!

He’s always been Divine, but Girl, these lashes are BUSTED

If you cannot get the hang of putting eyelashes on last, then do put them on first, but take a piece of paper and place it over the added lash when you do apply the eyeshadow, again, so it doesn’t get ‘dusty’. If you get eyeshadow on your lashes they sort of ‘fade’ in their effectiveness, the pop is not so great if they are more a grey color from your contrast color than the diva black that was intended.

Here’s a tip a lot of women do NOT use – CUT the lashes. Yes Girl, you can cut the lashes if they don’t fit your eyes, which makes it glam and not like you have been rooting around in your Momma’s old Mary Kay tackle box.

Don’t hate the lipstick, love the lashes!

Yes, I know you went full tilt boogie for Halloween and bought the expensive ones from the MAC store with the feathers – I still say, CUT THEM so they fit your lid. Be smart about it, not in half – you just hold it up to your eye, without glue and see if the edge of the lash comes more than a 1/4 inch past where your lid ends. If it does, unless you are doing a stage show, you cut them. (And here’s a shout out to my Asian sistas – Girl, it is a momentary slip from being a sexy vamp out for a night on the town, to being thought of as a ‘Lady-Boy”, so watch the lashes and that base that doesn’t match your skin tone. Talking to you, K-Town, you heard me! And while we are at it, STOP dying your hair red! Do brown highlights for heaven’s sake, your hair is black!)

You want the longer lashes at the end of your eye, which will open it up and make it dramatic. To be honest, I have been having a lot of success with individual lashes, but they are harder to put on, you need a tweezer and double the time. However, if you have an extra half hour or more to kill, putting on individual lashes will make your look pop but in a more natural way.

OK, I digress, the glue is tacky enough now to apply the lashes -you should look straight ahead and apply them if you can, not pull your lid down and put them on, because they will have the wrong angle. Don’t close your eyes, press them on your lid and pray – this ain’t church. You gots ta LOOK at what you are doing! EYES OPEN! LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD INTO THE MIRROR! NOW PRESS THEM ON! HOLD AT LEAST 30 SECS!

What I like about this is, it’s subtle….

How’d you do? Well, it takes practice, just like Carnegie Hall. Make sure you don’t wait till the big night to practice putting on those lashes, get a few cheap pairs from the drug store and drill them like they are scales and you are Lang Lang.

Practice, practice, practice

Fairy Princesses Don’t Show their Junk

Drag Queens are men, and so their junk is a penis, which they tuck out of the way – many times they pull it through their legs and tape it into place with duct tape so the front is flat. The idea is that no one sees it. Same with women, you wear a short skirt, we don’t want to see your “Queen Victoria”.

It’s a euphemism….think about it

Getting out of a Car Without Flashing…

If you are getting out of a limo, you remain seated, swing your legs out FIRST and place your feet on the ground, then have someone assist you in getting out of the car, so that we do not all get a flash of your ‘bidness’.

If you are driving, it’s the same thing – put both feet on the ground before you get out, then slowly stand. Just think of the scandals that Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton

I see London, I see (Paris) France….

could have avoided if they had hung around more drag queens that knew how to hide their private areas?

If you are sitting, wearing a short skirt, do not cross your legs at the thighs– cross the ankles and swing your legs a bit to the side, so that if your legs uncross, we do not see up your skirt. Some people who have very long legs can cross theirs and it looks all glam and fab and swoonworthy, but for the rest of us – keep the ankles crossed, it’s more comfortable, and that’s the strategy the Queen of England uses, so it must work.

All Hail, now THAT is a Queen

The impression you do not want to leave people with is Sharon Stone.

Dear Fairy Princess,

The time may come when you have to throw a punch. These are a few quick tips I received from Drag Queens when I worked in Chelsea early in my younger Princess days –

(a)   don’t tuck your thumb under your other fingers when you make a fist – it will break when you make contact with the target. Stilettos can be used as a weapon, especially the skinny steel reinforced ones. If you are wearing long boots, you can put a steel nail file in there and it works pretty well in a pinch for a variety of reasons.

(b)  Many times a Bully will walk away as long as you do not back down – try acting a little ‘too’ crazy – people are scared of the crazy, use it. Look up Gay History – who started the Gay Rights movement? Drag Queens at a bar called Stonewall who were tired of being messed with. Go batshit crazy if threatened, it works.

(c)   If you have to run away – and that is usually the best policy if you are outnumbered or in a remote area –  take off your heels to do it. If you run in heels, they’ll catch you and that’s too late to use the stiletto as a defensive weapon. With boots, leave them on, that’s why you have the nail file tucked inside, so you can reach down and grab it.

In my opinion – and it’s my blog, so it’s all my opinion – every Fairy Princess should know how to defend herself physically, and so here is a small tutorial from my pals, Diana Lee Inosanto and Ron Balicki – both amazing Martial Artists who I worked with on the feature film, The Sensei (which is about Gay Bullying and Self-Defense)