Wherefore Art Thou, Oh Gay Agenda…

Ah Tuesday, it seems so innocuous…it’s just there, the morning on which I recover from singing at Musical Mondays – last night bedecked in sequins and feathers, ok the feather part was new, usually I just look like Honey Boo Boo’s older Asian Auntie.

However, it seems that things can happen on a Tuesday, Virginia, oh yes they can. On Tuesday, while catching up on social media time suck, one of my friends posted this article from a waaay far right, so far right they are actually in the ocean, so far right, they circle the globe with their far right-ness and smack themselves in their own ass website, that I thought it was a joke.

It’s called   14 Outrageous Secrets that a Homosexual will never tell you

Needless to say, I was intrigued – after all, I have heard it ALL, Grrl – there’s almost nothing that a Homosexual at some point has NOT told me. Sometimes, I pretend I am Madonna’s son Rocco, and I start screaming “Stop Talking, Stop Talking!”  I wish I could find that clip from the DRIVEN special on MTV to show you. It’s kind of amazing, because at some point, haven’t we all wished we could yell at Madonna to stop talking? Or at least stop talking with an English accent – I mean, she is not from the mythical country of Europea!

Anyway, I started reading, and immediately I started laughing, because I thought this was a ‘joke’ blog. You know, like The Onion – but…it’s not. So I thought, as good Fairy Princesses should, I would go through it and, well, discuss – His statements have been ‘bolded’, and my answers are beneath.

‘1. Homosexuals Bleach Their Anuses – probably to cover bruises or lashes from sadomasochist sessions”

It’s Los Angeles – we bleach everything. The entire city often seems sponsored by Clorox. Anal Bleaching in LA is like getting your teeth capped, or a photo facial – both women and men do it – and truly, I know more women that do, because straight men like them to wear thong, tha-tha-tha- thongs.

‘2. Mutual Masturbation is the Primary Reason for Gym Membership”

Dude – I worked at a Gay Gym. The primary reason for Gay men buying gym membership is so that their long term partner doesn’t poke their tum-tum and say, “Hey, you’re looking a little chunky, Monkey”.

You know what the difference is between Straight men joining a gym and Gay men joining a gym?

Gay men GO to the gym.

Also, the classes at a Gay Gym? TOTALLY BETTER than at a Straight Gym!  Yeah, straight gyms rarely have the latest equiptment or Showtune Spinning or AfroBrazilian Dance or anything other than Step Aerobics with Jane Fonda’s choreo from the 80’s. That is why Straight women go to Gay Gyms – better classes, cleaner facilities, no lines at the bathroom, and no one lewdly giving them the eye while they try and stretch out their hamstrings.

‘3. Homosexual Marriage will usher in an epoch of international terror.’

I have been to several Gay Weddings. Unless you are terrified of a tasteful flower arrangement, or think that they are hiding anal bleaching kits in the amuse bouches, there’s nothing to be scared of. Unless you are the Caterer and the food is bad, then you SHOULD be terrified – I mean, this is a GD Gay Wedding – there are STANDARDS!

And btw, Entertainment at Gay Weddings? Awesome. Like, Broadway superstars stopping by to throw down a tune or two Awesome. And if they can’t make it, call me…

“4) Heterosexual women are far less likely to get married if they socialize with gays.”

I am a Fag Hag, I am Married, I have a kid. I am also thanked in 5 Gay Books, and am even on the cover of one:

 ‘5) Same sex desires are purposely being spread from humans to the animal kingdom.’

I watch Animal Planet and National Geographic. Animals that are homosexual in the wild include dolphins, monkeys, giraffes, penguins, sea gulls, koalas, cattle, chimpanzees, caribou, bison, brown bears and cats (not the musical, but…well, it IS a musical).  I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list….

‘ 6) The radical liberal agenda of early television shows lured many youngsters into the dark world of promiscuity.’

He blames GOLDEN GIRLS

I would have gone with “Designing Women” myself….

‘7) Gay bars operate along the same principles as Muslim terrorist cells.’

What Gay Bars has he been going to? He should come with me, I go to some really fun ones.

‘8) Today’s youth generation is using sex as a weapon to destroy American values.’

He blames the Twinks.

First of all, how does he know the word “Twink”? Methinks he doth protest too much. Perhaps he has been tap tap tapping on the bathroom stall floor? Let’s be honest -Sex as a weapon is usually the domain of Mistresses and Wives who know their Husbands are cheating.

I blame Twinks for stuff too, but mostly for things like calling Steel Magnolias ‘that old timey film from like, the twenties, right?”

For not knowing who Greta Garbo was!

OR for insisting Lady Gaga is better than Madonna! UH….there would BE no Lady Gaga without Madonna, cuz if none of us elders learned to “Express Ourselves”, Y’all couldn’t line dance to “Born This Way”.

‘9) Hardcore sodomy is the most common way same-sex adherents achieve gratification.’

To which I reply “Sodomy, it’s between God and Me..” and every other lyric from RENT.

Also – Comment dis tu Rough Trade, Mr. Billings?

’10) New York Magazine is a hotbed of secret homosexual propaganda.’

’11) The foulest excesses of sexual congress known to mankind are held among a highly exclusive group known as the “bears,” but the mainstream media refuses to investigate them.’

Investigate Bears? Why? Bears are sweet, besides you ever see a Bear with Forty Foot…

Sorry, sometimes I inadvertently Sondheim. But why investigate? Are they missing? Here’s some you can find right on the shelf. Go ahead, investigate them. To do it REALLY well, you have to buy their books.

Here’s what I have to say about ‘Bears” – best bunch of guys you will ever know. Bears will  give you a hug when you need it. Bears will invite you to dinner parties and won’t judge when you have seconds.

Now, have I been to ‘raunchy’ Bear parties? Yes – and it’s always an accident. I have also been to Fraternity Parties – and this is what I have to say about that – as far as I know, no woman has ever been raped and gotten pregnant at a Bear Party. I cannot say the same for a Fraternity Party, because it happened to a friend of mine.

Bear Party v. Fraternity Party?

Bear Party, paws down.

‘12) Glee is intentionally recruiting children into the world of homosexuality.’

I don’t like mash ups of Show Tunes and I find Rachel insufferable. However is it ‘recruiting’? No. If it was recruiting, there would be a piece of paper to sign up – and the last time I checked West Hollywood, I didn’t see a list. I was there Monday.

’13) Rachel Maddow is a liberal, a lesbian and a lousy newsreader.’

SHOCKING, he is  threatened and yet attracted to Rachel Maddow? Yeah, she is kinda hot – as are most brainy women.

‘14) Cat ownership is a sad substitute for healthy, Christian relationships.’

This one had me ROLLING on the floor! I am NOT a Cat Person, I’m allergic. But how is this an Outrageous Gay Secret? Everyone knows that Cat People are weird – that’s why they are Cat People. Are Gay Cat People weirder than Straight ones?

Well…as I say, I watch Animal Planet – the people that are hoarding the cats? Straight people. Also, their cats are ferrell and gross looking. I have seen tons of Gay Owned cats, and ya know what? They are better groomed than I am! And I wear sequins!

Look – his whole article is ridiculous, steeped in prejudice and fear. The Fairy Princess takes a dim view of dim people. You know who cares about ‘the Homosexual Agenda” in my mind?

People who are closeted, self loathing homosexuals.

You know who is NOT worried about “The Homosexual Agenda”?

Everyone else.

How is this in ANY way Christian? That’s like me saying I am a Deep Sea Fisherman because I eat sushi. To quote Dolly Parton in a really bad movie “Get down off the Cross, someone needs the wood”.

The Fairy Princess believes that if you read the Bible, you will see that part where it says we were all created in God’s image. All. That means everyone. That means, actually….the Deity has a bit of a flair.

Think about it.