Hiding Yo’ Junk, Punk!

(a)   Drag Queens know the power of the second pair of panty hose. Yes, you heard me, hose over hose will keep you tucked in better than almost anything. If you wear Spanx or other kinds of cantilevered underwear – and we all do – try one pair under the Spanx and one over. Yeah, you’re going to sweat like Albert Brooks in Broadcast News, but sometimes those Spanx ride up on the thigh, so the hose give the rubber on the Spanx something to grip. Or, you can do the two pairs over the Spanx – see what works best for you, since you are not tucking, either way should be bearable.

Whichever way you do it, remember, the hose smoothes it all out – no VPLs (Visible Panty Lines) for Fairy Princesses, EVER. It offends me.

(b)  Nothing is off limits if you have an area you want to disguise, you need corsets, body stockings, and steel girders under your clothes – ALL GOOD GIRL, ALL GOOD!  Do NOT be ashamed to go into a store and ask for what you need. (Actually, don’t be afraid of that in any aspect of your life) In my experience, if you ask the more experienced Sales People in a department store, they will know EXACTLY where to find what you need, they know their territory – yes, Virginia, just like in MUSIC MAN and if you are VERY lucky – your Salesperson highlights as a Drag Queen. But Grrl, do not forget that second pair of hose!

(c)   If you wear fish net stockings – wear nude or black stockings under them – it will save you from looking like a mermaid who got stuck ashore when you go to take them off, and it will keep the fishnets where they are suppose to be – on top of the leg, creating illusion, not sinking into your skin creating train tracks.

(d)  Petals – if you are wearing something that does not allow for a bra, go get yourself some stick on petals to hide your necessaries. Petals are basically band aids shaped like a flower that you place over your nipple to prevent yourself from becoming Janet Jackson, they are self adhesive.  Believe me, if your boob pops out, if there is a petal over the nipple, it is not half so embarrassing. Ask Tara Reid, she knows. All of that could have been avoided with a good petal!

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